What Not to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

Although you may accept skilful intentions, sometimes the things we say may be the wrong words to help a friend through grief. So, it helps to know which expressions we should be avoiding.

Why practise we struggle with what to say to a grieving friend?

Not knowing what to say during bereavement is a particularly English trait. Dr Marianne Trent, clinical psychologist and writer of The Grief Collective, says, 'We're very much in the "don't stone the boat" camp. Simply that comes from not wanting to exist the one who makes a friend experience sad or cry.'

Nosotros also get caught up in the feet of not wanting to say something upsetting, adds Adrienne Kirk, a psychotherapist who specialises in grief. She says, 'We tie ourselves in knots not wanting to say the wrong thing, then we terminate up either proverb nothing at all or blurting out the incorrect thing.'

And then, what sayings should we cantankerous off the list if nosotros want to comfort a friend who'south grieving?

"They had a good innings"

You may hear this, a lot, when an older person dies. 'Information technology doesn't matter what age someone passes, you'd much rather accept them here for longer,' says Marianne. 'We're never really ready to lose someone.'

And the longer someone has been in our lives, like a parent or partner, the more likely you are to be aware that they're no longer here. Marianne says, 'That feeling can really rock your foundations.'

If you practise want to console someone, only saying 'I'm and so sad. I tin can't imagine what you're going through' lets them know y'all recognise their emotions without having to "explain away" their grief.

"Things happen for a reason"

This tin be specially hurtful if a death is unexpected. Adrienne says, 'Can anyone give you a skillful reason why your husband, wife, or child, has died? No, so avert saying information technology.'

But the reason people exercise say information technology is to offer help. 'It's providing a solution for your grief, to try to assist it stop,' explains Adrienne. 'But – of form – grief doesn't piece of work like that.'

Instead, y'all could offer real, practical assist. Adrienne says, 'Tell them "I want to assist; is there anything I can do?". This could be picking the kids up from school, cooking a meal or coming together up for coffee once a week.'

"I didn't call back you knew them that well"

Another version is "I thought you weren't that close anymore" just both really mean "I don't understand why you're upset". Once again, the intention is not to exist hurtful just trying to sympathise a friend'southward grief.

'If the deceased is someone from your past, they may represent a pregnant time in your life that's now over,' says Marianne. 'Or if they're a new friend, you may have thought y'all had more time to make your relationship stronger.' Either manner, your future will be unlike without them.

Remember, just because you don't see or 'go' a friend's grief, doesn't mean they're not grieving. Inquire 'How are you lot feeling almost X at the moment?' to give them a chance to talk most their bereavement, if they desire to.

"You won't always feel this mode"

While this expression is meant to assistance, it tin can brand someone feel equally though they should be getting over their loss. Adrienne says, 'I have clients who say, "My mum died six months ago and I'thousand nevertheless crying" but I tell them "Your mum only died six months ago, that's why you're crying".'

She says nosotros tend to put a time-limit on grief, believing that once all the large 'firsts' are out the manner – similar the showtime Christmas or anniversary – then nosotros should be getting over it. But 'I don't call up we always really become over a death. We just find a way of dealing with information technology and moving on with it,' says Adrienne.

If yous're non sure how a friend is dealing with their grief, ask them. Adrienne says, 'If in doubt, cheque it out! Ask them if they want to talk most it, or if they'd like a different conversation – many bereaved people want a 'normal' chat well-nigh something other than what's happened to them.'

But brand sure you do check in regularly. Some symptoms of grief are similar to depression, such as loss of appetite, low mood, or not finding joy in the things you used to. But if they start having an affect on daily life – you don't desire to get out, for example – or you feel life'due south non worth living, this could be a mental health event.

Talk to your GP or contact one of our partners for more than advice: Heed, SAMH and Inspire.

• We have lots more than information on coping with grief and where to go for more bereavement support.

Online resources for grief and bereavement

We've partnered with Cruse to create useful videos and resource to support those going through a bereavement. If yous or someone you lot know is grieving the loss of a loved i, download our guide for communication on how to provide the best assist and support.

Find out more than